


Heartbeats

by Mikazuki_Nika



Category: Banana Fish (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Explicit Sexual Content, Learning Love, M/M, Memories of rape, Mentions of Rape, Post-Canon, Rape Recovery, ash recovering, eiji kissing the hurt away, exploring love, exploring sex, fixed it but not really, fluffy but hurt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-11
Updated: 2018-08-27
Packaged: 2019-06-25 16:57:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 4
Words: 9,982
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15645021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mikazuki_Nika/pseuds/Mikazuki_Nika
Summary: When two heartbeats fall in sync, Ash will know what physical love is. Post-canon recovery fic.





	1. A Leap of Faith

* * *

**Chapter One: A Leap of Faith**

* * *

  **Normal POV**

Ash Lynx did not believe in love.

There was absolutely no way that true, pure love existed outside of fantasy. There was absolutely no way that there could be a person out there who could have endless love and patience and time for him. And there was absolutely no way he could ever be capable of loving someone back the way they wanted him to.

He was too broken. 

Filthy hands, so many of them, had brushed over his skin and used him. They found purchase on his shoulders, arms, legs, neck, face,  _ everywhere _ and dragged him down. Down farther and farther until he couldn’t see the light he used to know. He was drowning in green waters that grew darker and darker, losing air by the second, until he was trapped in thick blackness and the light was a faded memory.

...Had the light even existed at all in the first place?

_ It didn’t matter, _ he would think to himself,  _ it’s gone now anyway _ . And the hands tightened into bruising grabs over his hips, digging deeper into his skin as if he had anymore to give - his body ruthlessly desecrated as it rocked to a rhythm he couldn’t feel.

He couldn’t feel anything anymore. 

Nothing mattered. Every day was the same, meetings and partings endlessly repeating. Everyone who had ever been important to him gone. What was the point of meeting in the first place, if it caused this much pain? Just what did he have to believe in?

There was no answer. Ash curled up in the dark waters, giving himself into endless, blissful sleep.

_ Ash! _

A voice snapped him awake. The waters had grown brighter, back to the warm emerald green he knew long ago at the beginning of his suffering. He squinted at the brightness in his eyes, and looked up. 

There was light…

_ Ash! _

And a voice that moved his heart.

A shadow was swimming towards him. Dark hair, dark eyes, pained expression. Outstretched hands. Ash reached a hand up slowly, uncertain, and  _ Eiji  _ grabbed onto it as if it were a lifeline. Something precious. 

_ Eiji. _

He was there. Hands cupping his face, forehead pressed gently against his own. 

_ Ash. _

It was warm. He closed his eyes.

“Don’t forget that you still know how to breathe.” Eiji told him seriously, and Ash broke the surface. Not out of the water just yet, but he could breathe and could see light. 

Eiji had been the one to rescue him from the deep waters of his broken soul, pulling him up and up into white sunlight. He  _ stayed _ there with him. It was this that allowed him to push through and give Eiji a chance. Eiji, who had never once expected anything from him. Eiji, who had never once taken more than Ash offered. Eiji, who knew he was nursing a broken heart and mind, and still stayed by his side.

Ash thought that maybe,  _ just maybe _ , letting them have what they both wanted from each other wasn’t such a bad idea.

* * *

It wasn’t sudden. They both knew it was coming, spending every day in each other’s company like this, feelings overflowing and hearts growing closer together. Eiji had known by the look in his eyes what Ash was giving him permission to do.

New hands, gentle and painted white with pure intentions, ghosted over his skin.

Eiji was staring hard at his naked body with a pinched expression that told Ash he was holding himself back. The blond froze up, wondering if he was making a mistake after all, but he had misunderstood, he realized, when tears welled up and Eiji blinked them back.

“I can’t do this.” He whispered thickly.

Ash lay limp in the white sheets with Eiji over him, mind far away and eyes trained on the elder’s face. Somehow, this reaction didn’t surprise as much as it probably should have. Instead, he was moved. 

The blond reached up to set a hand on Eiji’s face. He wiped away the tears there.

“Eiji, you’re not supposed to be the one crying in this situation.” He said, but the joke fell flat when Eiji turned his hard stare to Ash’s own gaze.

He recoiled at the mixed emotions he saw there. Anger, anguish, sorrow.

“I can’t do this to you.” He repeated.

Ash searched his face for a moment, internally scrambling for the right words. “You’re not forcing me into anything, Eiji.” He answered slowly. “I want this too.”

Eiji sat back, climbing off of Ash and putting space between them. He sat with his legs over the edge of the bed, leaving the younger blond splayed out limpy over the rest of the bed. He watched as Eiji wiped more tears away.

He looked up to the empty bedroom, straight ahead and away from Ash. “I do not wish to hurt you.”

At this, Ash sat up on his elbows. “Are you planning to hurt me?”

“No!” Eiji whirled around to stare at him, but his fire died when he met Ash’s calm and knowing gaze. “I would never hurt you.” He whispered feverently. 

Ash gave a twisted sort of smile. Small, just enough for Eiji to see it. “Not intentionally, at least, right?”

Eiji felt his racing mind come to a slow stop. “Ash?”

The blond was sitting up now, white sheets over his lower body, with a knee up. He was balancing his elbow on his knee cap, hand to his face, and looking at Eiji.

“Isn’t that how it usually goes?” He asked.

Eiji twisted to sit on the bed better. “What do you mean?”

“People can’t help but hurt each other.” Ash explained. “So long as they are together.”

He was silent for a long moment, understanding falling over him in waves. “And you’re still okay with this?” Eiji asked. “Even though, one day, today or tomorrow or the next day, I might hurt you?”

Ash tilted his head at him, and Eiji watched as blond locks fell across his forehead. “Because it goes both ways.” He answered. “I could hurt you too.”

Eiji drew closer. “You would never hurt me.” He whispered. “I  _ know  _ you wouldn’t. You’re too kind.”

Ash closed his eyes. “So much faith.”  _ Those are my lines, you idiot. _

“It’s true.” Eiji pressed, voice stronger and filled with more conviction. “Even if you did, I would not blame you.” He continued. “It would be my wrong for not telling you that it, whatever it is,  _ could _ hurt me in the first place.”

Ash looked bewildered. “Huh? I hurt you and it’s  _ your _ fault?”

“That is my logic.” He answered stubbornly. “Even if you hurt me, it is okay.”

They sat there, searching each other’s faces. Eiji watched as acceptance came over Ash’s face.

“Even if you hurt me, it’s okay.” Ash repeated back in a whisper, and put Eiji’s response of  _ No it’s not!  _ to rest with a look. “It has to go both ways, Eiji. I won’t let you take on everything by yourself.”

“You’ve been hurt enough.” Eiji protested, drawing nearer. 

“It doesn’t matter.” Ash breathed as he let his eyelids slip to half-mast. “If it’s you, then I…”

And their lips met. Chaste at first, testing and searching for doubts. Ash opened his mouth and granted access, knowing Eiji would not make the first move. Their tongues met and Eiji jumped lightly. Ash broke apart from him with a chuckle. 

“Come on, Eiji, you’re not supposed to squeal like a girl every time our tongues touch.” He teased.

Kissing was new. Most of the men Ash had been sold to simply crushed him into the pillows and did as they pleased. Usually, they didn’t try to kiss him. But there were a few disgusting old men with prickly mustaches who liked to swap spit with little boys. He had learned how to please.

If Ash closed his eyes, he might feel like he was back at Club Cod, or in a hotel room. He might feel the urge to vomit in disgust, clinging to what was left of his pride. But Eiji’s tongue was shy and uncertain, just like its owner. It was cute and unfamiliar to Ash, who had, up until now, never kissed anyone so inexperienced and unforceful.

Kissing wasn’t so bad. He had done it with Eiji before. He was okay.

They broke apart again for air. Then Eiji was kissing him over his face, letting Ash lay back down across the sheets. Butterfly kisses. Ash relaxed as Eiji slowly kissed the corner of his mouth. Then it was his nose and each eye. He felt the trembling grip on his shoulders move to his face, and Ash closed his eyes as Eiji gently pushed his hair up and off his forehead.

A sweet kiss was pressed there. Intimate and kind.

Ash felt his eyes sting, and his brows furrowed together.

Eiji soothed him with another kiss between his brows. “Tell me to stop.” He whispered. A kiss was pressed to his jaw. “And I will.” Eiji promised.

Another kiss to the side of his throat. Ash swallowed thickly and opened his eyes, staring up at the ceiling as he lay still. Kisses to his clavicles. He shivered lightly.

“Ash?”

“Keep going.” Ash whispered back, screwing his eyes shut. “I’m still okay, you’re just surprising me.”

Eiji pressed a kiss to a silvery white scar on his chest. An old wound. “What do you mean?”

Ash let out a short chuckle. “People don’t usually kiss other people everywhere like that.”

Eiji pressed another kiss to his bicep and murmured against the skin there, “This is what I want to do for you.” He looked up. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No,” Ash answered quickly, “I’m curious as to where you think you’re going with this.”

Eiji pouted. “I am only doing what I know how to do.”

“You don’t know how to kiss though.” Ash teased, sitting up on his elbows.

Eiji rolled his eyes but then took one of Ash’s hands in his own. He pressed a kiss to the palm of the pale white hand, meeting Ash’s gaze over it. The blond’s eyes widened in response.

His palm tickled as Eiji spoke into it lightly. “Touch me, Ash.” As if hypnotized, Ash moved forward, pulled into Eiji’s gravity. “This goes both ways.” The raven-haired boy reminded him. “This is not a call.”

Ash took his palm back, and Eiji let him go. He set it on Eiji’s shoulder firmly, looking into his beautiful dark eyes. 

“I have never had real sex.” 

The words were almost pulled out of him, and Eiji waited.

“I’ve been bought and sold so many times, used... “ Bitterness came over Ash’s face as memories of a prison and four orange jumpsuits came back to him. “I’ve used  _ myself _ …” He swallowed, and continued in a low voice, eyes finding Eiji’s again. “I don’t know if I can give you want you want.”

Eiji shook his head. “Shh, don’t worry about things like that.” He pressed his forehead to Ash’s, and let their breathing fall into sync. “I don’t want anything from you that you’re not giving, Ash.” A sigh. “But you have to tell me what you want me to do for you… I don’t know how to do this.”

Ash looked at Eiji’s disappointed face, and internally knew this wasn’t what he wanted for him. He thought carefully about what to say next. There was one thing that he…

“I want you to be the one inside.” Ash whispered slowly.

Eiji reeled. “What? No!” He opened his mouth to say more but was silenced by the broken look on Ash’s face.

“I… I never thought it felt good there, so I…” Ash swallowed thickly. “Just  _ for once, I-” _

“It’s okay,” Eiji cupped Ash’s face. “It’s okay, I understand what you’re trying to say.” A pause. “But… are you sure?”

Ash floundered for a moment. “I - yes. I’m the one who is the most used to it anyway, it makes sense.”

Eiji’s stare was hard and stern. “I’m not asking you about what makes sense. I’m asking you what  _ you _ want.”

The blond shook his head. “It  _ is  _ what I want.”

The elder sighed and relaxed, closing his eyes to collect himself. “Okay.” He said. “But you have to tell me if there’s something wrong. No matter what.”

Ash nodded once.

And then hands were brushing over his skin again. He relaxed into Eiji’s touch and accepted the reassurance behind them.  _ I will not use you,  _ they told him. Ash reached up and wrapped his arms around Eiji’s shoulders.

“Go slow.” He whispered.

And Eiji did.

Slowly, carefully, he kissed away the battered beatings taken to his body. Ash felt like he was being cleansed. The wounds were still there, of course, because recovery comes in steps, but they faded from his awareness and slept just under his skin until all he knew was Eiji. Eiji’s warm and soft hands, Eiji’s gentle lips, Eiji’s smell.

Eiji.

* * *

“Are you okay?” He asked again as he rolled a condom on and readied himself. This much, he had learned in school and from friends.

Ash nodded, but he was tense.

“Ash?”

“Yes, Eiji, I’m okay.”

He maintained direct eye contact with Ash, who felt slightly overwhelmed by the intense reassurance and trust he saw behind his gaze. It was rare for those people - if they could be called that - to even look at him when they got to this point, so consumed by their pleasure and eagerness that they lost sight of everything else, even the blond hair and green eyes they had ordered. But Eiji kept his gaze steady. Even if his face was burning a brilliant red from embarrassment. He moaned low, almost under his breath, as he felt Ash’s heat close in around him.

Ash felt a flash of pride, but it was quickly drowned by his nervousness. He swallowed thickly when he found that he could not break away from Eiji’s stare. They stayed like that for a little bit, feeling each other and waiting with bated breath. 

“You keep surprising me.” Ash murmured lowly.

Eiji looked nearly undone above him. “What?” He gasped.

Ash chuckled. “You can move you know.”

Eiji shook his head. “Not unless you tell me you’re okay.”

His eyes widened.  _ This idiot… _ he thought affectionately. “I’m okay, right now. Move, Eiji.” He wriggled his hips and adjusted, watching as Eiji nearly went cross-eyed.  _ “Please.” _

At this, Eiji took a deep breath and pulled out slightly before pushing back in. Ash tried not to tense up at the movement. He still needed a little adjusting, but it would come as Eiji moved.

A slow rhythm. 

Soon enough, the sound of panting filled the room and Eiji was struggling to keep himself from screwing his eyes shut. But he fought it and opened his eyes.

He froze.

Ash was staring at the ceiling passively.

Fear and sadness washed over Eiji. “Ash…?”

Blank eyes met his own, and Eiji rushed forward. He cupped Ash’s face with his hands and searched his gaze. Just when he was ready to pull out and scrap the whole idea, Ash’s eyes revived and he wrapped his arms around Eiji’s shoulders tightly.

“I’m sorry, I just started thinking about-”

“Stop.” Eiji said gently. “It’s okay, shhh, you’re not there anymore. You’re with me…” His face crumpled. “Don’t apologize for something that isn’t your fault.”

They waited for bit, taking a moment to collect themselves.

“Do you want to stop?” Eiji asked quietly.

Ash shook his head quickly. “Keep going.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yes.”

Eiji moved, and this time, he kept his eyes trained on Ash’s face. He shifted slightly to get more comfortable and continued pumping his hips. Suddenly,  Ash groaned and Eiji flinched, afraid he had done something wrong.

“Ash?”

He had turned his head to the side, almost hiding.

Eiji peered around the leg he held in one of his hands, worried.

“Ash? Are you okay?”

The blond clicked his tongue and snapped his head to Eiji. The dark haired boy gaped in awe.  _ Ash was blushing.  _ A bridge of red over his nose and defensive eyes.

_ “Keep going.”  _ He hissed.

Eiji’s next breath felt like it was lifting him up into the sky. He lit up and grinned, and let his hips more freely at the same angle. Ash started panting, and Eiji watched with pure joy as his chest rose and fell quickly and his expression twisted into uncontained pleasure.

“Hng! Ha -  _ Eiji!” _

Eiji moaned at the sound of his desperate voice. He would never forget this moment. Ash was genuinely feeling pleasure, writhing beneath Eiji in a way he was  _ sure  _ Ash hadn’t experienced before based on the look on his face. Ash gripped Eiji’s shoulders tighter and pulled him closer until their chests were touching and Eiji was settled over him. They were so close and Eiji was panting roughly above him and his inner walls were trembling at this new feeling and-

“Eiji, Eiji, Eiji…!” He chanted, ducking his face into the elder’s shoulder.

“Ash! Huh, _ ah!” _

The sounds of the bed creaking and their breathing and the light slapping of skin against skin filled the room, but Ash didn’t think of it like he usually did. The panting at his neck wasn’t creepy. The creaking wasn’t annoying. The slaps and squelching wasn’t disgusting.

Ash felt his face heat up. 

It was _ lewd. _

He could feel every part of Eiji rubbing his inner walls over and over again, hitting close to the bundle of nerves he knew was there but no one had bothered to find and hit.

“Eiji -  _ hah -  _ move down a lit _ tle ah!” _

He complied quickly, shifting so his hips entered at a slightly lower angle.

Ash jumped. “Holy  _ shit!” _

Eiji flinched and peeled away from Ash a bit to look into his face. “Wha-What is it?” He stuttered through the mind-numbing pleasure.

Ash slapped his shoulder blade lightly. “Don’t stop, you idiot!” He looked stern. “Go again, right where you were.” Ash demanded.

Eiji smiled at his new attitude. “Okay.”

And so he continued. Ash’s every word was Eiji’s command. Ash grunted and fell apart as Eiji hit his most sensitive spot over and over, and Eiji couldn’t get enough of his face and sounds. Before they knew it, their voices had grown to swollen yells and moans that were probably too loud, but they were so caught up in each other that they couldn’t find it within themselves to care.

“Eiji…!” 

“Ash,  _ ha, ha!”  _

Ash felt himself climbing higher and higher. He clamped down on Eiji hard. “ _ Shit,  _ I’m gonna cum.” He hissed out, throwing his head back.

Eiji screwed his eyes shut, groaning at the way Ash had tightened around him. “M-Me too, Ash.”

His mind went white and a heavy tingling settled over the crown of Ash’s head. He opened his mouth in a silent scream as he fell over the edge, back arching off the bed. Eiji followed right behind him, crumpling over Ash with one last, drawn-out moan.

Ash’s chest was stuttering underneath him.

Despite the heavy feeling in his limbs, Eiji sat up quickly and stared down at his lover. Ash had covered his face with his fists, but Eiji could see the downward twist of his lips and the way he trembled.

Unable to hold it back, Ash began to cry.

Eiji grabbed one hand and peeled it away from Ash’s face. He kept his sorrowful gaze on Ash’s tears and kissed his palm gently. As Ash’s stuttering sobs filled the room, Eiji’s own eyes began to sting.

He cried, too.

* * *

Once they had calmed from sobs and tears to sniffles and chuckles of relief, they rearranged themselves on the bed and got comfortable.

Ash laid his head in Eiji’s lap, laying on his side in the bed, curled up. Eiji ran a hand over his hair soothingly, over and over. He took the time to admire the pale gold locks, soft and thin. They traveled right past his fingers without a hitch. It was quiet.

“Eiji…”

“Hmm?” He answered distantly.

“Thank you.”

His hand stilled. “Huh? Why?”

Ash opened his eyes and stared straight ahead towards the wall across from the bed. “Just… thank you. I didn’t know it could feel that good.”

Eiji’s eyes widened. “Ash…”

Then a smirk, and Ash was giving him a sideways teasing stare that had Eiji’s heart racing again. “For your first time, it wasn’t bad.”

_ “Ash!” _

They stared at each other for a moment before laughing lightly. But Eiji surprised Ash again by leaning down and pressing kisses to Ash’s neck and shoulder and back.

“It was your first time too.”

Ash’s gaze narrowed as he held back tears, and Eiji could see how they lit up like they usually did when something touched him deeply. 

“Yeah.”

Ash Lynx did not believe in love.

But Aslan Jade Callenreese did.

 

 

 


	2. To Be Safe

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Eiji thinks they ought to be safe rather than sorry.
> 
> ...and it turns out he's right.

* * *

**Chapter Two: To Be Safe**

* * *

  **Normal POV**

“I think we should use safe words.”

“Hah??”

They were relaxing on the large glossy black sofa in the living room. Its faux leather squeaked and farted whenever someone moved on it, as it did when Ash turned to look at Eiji with an expression that sat somewhere between stubborn and incredulous. His chocolate-eyed lover kept his gaze trained on the television in front of them, as he usually did whenever he was breaching a sensitive topic with Ash.

Eiji briefly glanced at the young ex-gang leader, just to “check in,” but looked back to the little square TV airing a recent pole-vaulting competition. “When we’re having sex, I think we should use safe words.” He repeated, carefully enunciating the syllables of the English words.

The usually fiery blond beside him flushed a light pink. “L-Like what?” He asked, settling back into the sofa stiffly all tense muscles.

Eiji knew the lynx was on its guard, ready to bolt at any second, but he remained still and calm. Reasoning was Ash’s biggest weakness, after all.

“Well…”

* * *

_"Ahhhh,”_

Eiji threw his bed back into the lumpy pillows, feeling the tension of the mattress springs push back against him. Nevertheless, the line of his body from his muscled lower back to the crown of his pretty head arched, pushing him deeper into the bed.

“Ash, _ha! Ashu!”_

Eiji clawed at the scratchy navy blue sheets they had just gotten last week, searching for relief as Ash slurped and sucked his sensitive member. This wasn’t what he had intended by bringing up safe words with the beautiful blond, but the result is what it is.

After their first, the pair of them had felt sated. A month or two had passed since then.

Eiji wasn’t sure that they’d ever be in this position again. The first time had taken so much out of Ash, had shaken _both_ of them right down to their souls, and Eiji had accepted what he was given without asking for more (as was the proper way to accept a gift).

But they were thinking about it.

Sometimes, in the weak blue light of the early morning when all he could feel was his heartbeat against the mattress and the desire to stretch his limbs, Eiji would sleepily lift his eyelids as Ash rustled around the room. When Ash knew he was watching, all bleary eyed but paying attention, a strong pale white hand would drift lightly down a marbled torso dotted in silvery scars. Ash would run a hand through his golden locks, slowly, staring at him through the window over his shoulder his arm created as he did so, and fix him a _look_ with those sharp jade green eyes.

And Eiji would know.

He would hear the unsaid “thank you” and the tingling awareness in his mind that they were both still thinking about that night.

And so here they were again, unable to resist the magnetic attraction that drew them to each other like light drew flies out of their old apartment.

* * *

Eiji smacked Ash’s head lightly. “S-Stop, I’m gonna cum - Ash, _get away - haargh!”_

A slurp, then quiet, and then the sound of smacking lips.

Eiji flushed a deep crimson red and covered his face with his hands. But it was useless, the color would stay there like a red lip-stain stayed on pouty magazine lips.

“Well, that was fast.” Ash smirked up at him from between his legs.

The Japanese adult (read: boy) let out a strangled yell from behind his hands.

“English, please.” He chuckled with a teasing lilt to his voice, and Eiji glared at him through the windows of his fingers.

 _“I hate you.”_ He groaned in embarrassment, wishing the mattress and pillows would grow plushy enough to swallow him whole.

“No, you don’t.” Ash rolled his eyes with a haughty grin. “Don’t be so embarrassed, it’s your first time experiencing it, right?”

A streak of stubbornness mixed with denial and pride had Eiji turning away. At Ash’s tinkling laughter, Eiji narrowed his eyes.

_Whoompf!_

Ash stared up at him, dumbfounded. The darker skinned boy stared back with an angry expression, having flipped their positions so he could hover over the younger’s body. “Then, it will be your turn! Let’s see how long _you_ last!” Eiji retorted grumpily before suddenly diving down.

The lynx hissed and gasped at the new warmth surrounding him, hands immediately flying out in search of something to grip onto lest he lose his mind. “Ah _shit! Eiji!”_

Ash internally fumed when he felt the way Eiji’s lips twisted into a self-satisfied smirk. He opened his mouth to let out a whipping remark, but the boy between his legs suddenly licked along his entire length, bottom to top, and swirled around the head. Ash groaned and felt his muscles go limp momentarily, the pleasure running across his skin like sparks flying off a circular saw.

This was a new experience for him. Call boys _never_ were the ones being sucked off, but they were expected to know every trick in the book for their… _clients._ And it was no wonder now, to Ash, why they had all seemed to enjoy this so much, especially when they were staring down at the blonde hair and green eyes they had specifically ordered with their disgusting faces full of hunger.

At the thought, Ash sat up on his elbows, abs crunching lightly, and looked down at Eiji.

 _Oh,_ **_fuck!_ **

He felt his heart rate shoot up at the scene before him. Eiji - sweethearted, fluffy Eiji - held his member upright with one hand and closed his eyes. His cheeks and nose were colored that brilliant red Ash had seen earlier, and his pink lips were opened in an oval-shaped “o.” Then, Eiji put the whole thing in his mouth and sucked as hard as he could _._

The slender lynx felt his left knee jerk suddenly without his consent, lightly bumping Eiji’s tricep. Mistakenly thinking that Ash was trying to get his attention, Eiji looked up at him with dark, sultry eyes from under his thick black lashes.

Ash dove over the cliff’s edge at the sight.

As the blonde sighed heavily and flopped back down onto the mattress, still panting and feeling lightheaded, Eiji climbed off the bed and ran with pattering footsteps to the adjacent bathroom, jaw jutting out unnaturally and cheeks puffed out. The sound of running water and spitting pulled Ash back down from the searing white scenery behind his eyelids. He turned over on his side to watch the bathroom door open again.

Eiji looked childishly confused and disbelieving. “I can’t believe you managed to swallow.” He muttered with an incredulous shake of his head as he flopped down onto the bed, his body falling like a blue whale into the ocean. Ash chuckled at the thought.

“Sorry, I didn’t warn you.”

His lover grinned cheekily. “It means I did well, right?”

“Actually, you were sloppier than I thought you were going to be.” Ash retorted, rolling his eyes. He dug his elbow into the mattress and set his head in his palm to look down at Eiji from above. “You were copying me, weren’t you.” He accused lightly.

Eiji flushed and averted his gaze. “I have no other references.”

“It’s okay.” Ash said softly. But then his lips twisted into a wicked smirk. “This time, let me teach you slowly.”

Black brows flew up as Ash climbed off the bed and knelled on the floor next to it instead. “What? No, you don’t have to do it again! Don’t push yourself Ash, this is enough.” He said, hands in front of him as if he were going to reach out and placate him.

Ash slowed, knowing what Eiji was alluding to. “It’s fine. I want a round two.” He said. “I’m pissed that I lasted even less than _you._ ”

Eiji heard it as _I’m pissed that I lasted even less than you, of all people._

He shook his head disbelievingly. “Alright, if you’re sure.” He said slowly, his blush beginning to creep down his neck.

And so a smooth, pink tongue dipped down and swirled around his tip carefully, as if in slow motion. Eiji threw his head back with a gasp as Ash’s masterful skills stroked him closer and closer to completion.

“Keep your eyes on me.”

Eiji heard the whisper and managed to open his tightly screwed shut eyelids, sitting up on his elbows like Ash had done moments earlier. Said white marble skinned boy was waiting patiently, gazing steadily at him through pale golden lashes and darkened eyes like uncut jade.

Eiji felt his breath catch in his throat.

Ash chuckled knowingly at the way the red flush on his lover’s cheeks seemed to crawl down his neck and fan out to his ears. Then, whilst maintaining eye contact, the younger continued his ministrations. Licking, slurping, sucking, reaching every part of Eiji he could. The ravenette felt himself falling deeper and deeper into Ash’s eyes and presence. Right now, in this very moment, if that slender, model-like hand pointed him to his doom, he would follow through in half of a heartbeat. If that hand came to caress his cheek, he would follow it until he could kiss it gratefully and lovingly.

Eiji felt tears prickle at his eyes.

_There’s not a thing in the world that I wouldn’t do for you, Ash…_

Throat tight with emotion, Eiji brought his thoughts back to the pleasure he was feeling and Ash’s gaze. He was so beautiful, with the line of his broad milky white shoulders and the way his hair fell in soft golden eaves so naturally. The strong, handsome line of his jaw and his chiseled features that until these past two years or so had hidden under leftover baby fat.

But most of all, he loved Ash’s gorgeous green eyes, so vivid and sharp some days and soft pastel others.

Eiji paused at the scene before him.

_No, that isn’t right…!_

Through the haze of his pleasure, Eiji could recognize that look in Ash’s eyes. The color he loved had settled like dry acrylic paint, old and crusty, but calm and deep like the surface of a green pool of water.

_“Nezumi, nezumi, nezumi,”_

Eiji lightly chanted, feeling his throat close up around the words and his labored panting.

Ash paused at the odd sound, and the light in his eyes or perhaps his mind, returned to the present. Stiffly, Ash pulled away from Eiji, putting some space between them. Eiji stayed on the bed, the pressure of wanting to feel release combined with his slowly breaking heart overwhelming him as he stared unseeingly at the white ceiling of their bedroom. Ash sat helplessly on the bedroom carpet, a few feet away from the edge of the bed, feeling the fibers prickle into his butt and supporting palms.

“Eiji?” He whispered, uncertain and afraid.

The ravenette sat up, wiping away at his cheeks as if to banish the emotions on his face, but his pained brown eyes, framed by wet lashes, betrayed him. “Are you okay?” He whispered back.

Ash floundered, opening his mouth multiple times to try and find the words. “You’re the one who used your safe word…” He finally put up, almost helplessly.

Eiji shook his head. “Because I thought you weren’t okay.” He replied, coming off the bed with slow movements and direct eye contact, as if approaching a startled animal.

Ash loved the grace with which Eiji moved. It was a grace of a well-balanced person that reminded of him of stability. It was that stability that drew Ash to him, and that grace that brought Eiji to him like a gentle breeze.

The usually ferocious young man trained a powerless gaze on Eiji’s face as the elder cupped his cheeks lovingly.

“I am _never_ afraid of you, Ash.” He whispered passionately. “You know this.”

The blonde closed his eyes and nodded once in acceptance. “You stopped for me.”

Eiji nodded and even though Ash couldn’t feel it, Eiji was close enough for him to feel and hear the movement in the air. A hand moved, as if delicately touching a newborn baby, and slid up Ash’s forehead to push away the bangs there. As his head tilted back gently with the touch, Ash’s eyes slid open slightly, staring at Eiji’s skin as he pressed a sweet kiss to his forehead.

“Tell me what is wrong.”

Ash allowed his eyelids to flutter shut again as the affection washed over him like the cleansing, warm water of a natural spring.

“I didn’t mean to separate myself from the situation like that.” Ash began, voice low and steady. “I’m sorry.”

Eiji nudged him lightly. “Don’t apologize all the time like us Japanese people - it does not suit you.” He joked.

Ash cracked a smile at this. “Sometimes I start thinking of those times again and I…” He let his head fall onto Eiji’s shoulder. Then, murmuring against the skin there, he said, “I feel far away from you.”

Warm arms wrapped around his back securely. “It’s not your fault.” Came the whisper above his head. Eiji gathered him up like a blanket, clutching him tightly to himself, and leaned back against the foot of the bed. Tears in his eyes, Eiji tucked Ash’s head under his chin and stared hard at the bedroom wall in front of him, fighting for control over his emotions. “When we need to stop, we will stop.”

Ash nestled deeper into Eiji’s embrace - his skin, his smell - as if it were the safest place on the planet. Better than any safehouse he and his gang had ever used in the past. “You’re gonna get blue balls.” He joked into the embrace.

But Eiji only hugged him tighter. “That’s not important right now.”

A small whisper.

_“Thank you…”_

And a sigh of comfort.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy birthday, Ash. I hope you have all the love and care you deserve.
> 
> Eiji's safe word is "nezumi," the Japanese word for "mouse" or "rat," because of last week's episode where he very nearly *jumped* over Shorter to get away from the rat in the drawer.  
> Ash's safe word will come into play soon, but you won't be surprised when you hear what it is.
> 
> Thank you for your love and support.
> 
> ~Nika.


	3. Self-Doubt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Ash thinks he might not deserve this little piece of heaven after all.
> 
> But Eiji's hand and his eyes and his words might just prove otherwise.

* * *

**Chapter Three: Self-Doubt**

* * *

**Normal POV**

“Have you…”

Ash looked over at Eiji, who was keeping his eyes on the bed sheets as he spoke. His voice failed him, but he cleared his throat and tried again.

“Have you ever been… on top before?”

Ash went up on his elbows, clasping his hands together and pressing his tummy into the mattress. It was an early Sunday morning, and the sun was streaming into their bedroom windows in a strangely dull way he wasn't used to seeing. An old color, like a dusty gold coin or a worn yellow album. Somehow, the room was dyed in those musky, warm tones, even though it was still dark. And in that dark sunlight was Eiji, nestled into the pillows with a tender arm out, and him, and their queen-sized bed.

They woke slowly, and decided to spend more time in bed this lethargic morning, talking lightly to each other about their plans for later, with sprinkles of affection nestled in between. In these early mornings, when the noise of New York’s streets below their windows seemed too far away and the neighbors upstairs weren't stomping their feet, Ash seemed more like a house cat, purring satisfactorily at Eiji’s touch.

“I’ve been with women before.” He answered carefully, looking down at the pillows and sheets from his near planking position.

Eiji blinked slowly and waited to see if he would say anything more.

“But they usually liked to sit on top,” A pause. “Because I was young.”

And it made sense. It was easy to assume a young boy couldn't do much for you, so you were probably better off being the one to set the pace. Let the little boy lay down as you destroyed his body and mind with every stroke.

Ash’s bitter thoughts came to a stop, like a hockey player turning on a dime or the cut-off of an orchestra’s playing, when Eiji’s hand found one of his own. He leaned on his left elbow as Eiji gently pulled his right hand towards himself.

A tender kiss was placed on his palm.

A sign of devotion. Of love. Of loyalty and faithfulness. Eiji _knew exactly_ where those palms had been and what they had done, yet he loved them - _him_ \- anyway. When Eiji kissed his hand like this, it felt like a drop of sparkling, white light, pure and sweet, fell into his own body of swirling black ink and darkness, slowly purifying him from within. Like a demon receiving an angel’s kiss, or a sinner holding the merciful hands of a saint.

...Maybe he was devoted to Eiji just as much as Eiji was devoted to him.

“Will you take me?”

It was a soft whisper that caused his heart to immediately leap into his throat, as if it were rocket launched from his chest upwards.

Ash swallowed thickly and looked at him. The dull sunlight in their dusty apartment, the way the sheets curled around his body, and the way his fluffy hair was mussed gently by the night’s heavy sleep… the way those chocolate brown eyes blinked up at him, so sure and so sweet…

“Are you sure?” He whispered back.

Eiji reached up with his free hand and brushed Ash’s blond locks out of his face. His dazzling, vivid green eyes were swirling with nervousness and concern, and perhaps a touch of discomfort. It was that discomfort that had Eiji whispering back, “We don’t have to do anything you don't want to.”

But those pretty blond layers fell back over his face when Ash shook his head. “It’s not that.” He said, and Eiji knew the “discomfort” was actually fear. “I just… don't want you to get hurt. I don't want you to do anything you don't want to either, Eiji, just because of me.”

The Japanese boy shut his eyes and pressed Ash’s palm, which was still in his grasp, to his chest. Ash nearly recoiled at the sudden intimacy, but Eiji kept his hand there, and soon enough, he could feel Eiji’s heartbeat thrumming under his palm. The skin of his chest was solid and smooth, like a rock worn by the rushing waters of a river over time, and the strong beat beneath his hand soothed him.

“I want everything you are willing to give me, Ash.”

And in this moment, it felt like the whole _world_ was in Eiji. His skin and chest was the earth, and the heartbeat beneath it belonged to the molten core and mother nature together. Eiji's eyes were skies of freedom, his hair the fluffy tops of trees he didn't get to explore as a kid growing up, his kisses the air he breathed, his arms shelter from the storms, and his love the food he lived on.

“I would give you the world if I could, Eiji.” He replied softly, overwhelmed with warmth and love. He dipped his head down, and Eiji met him halfway, eyes soft.

When their lips met, he felt as though tears would well up and spill over his cheeks.

_Eiji… Please._

_Please… let me love you back. Even if it’s only for now and you throw me away tomorrow, let me love you the way you’ve loved me._

* * *

He tightened his hold on Eiji’s hand as he positioned himself at his spread legs.

“Are you okay?” He whispered through the haze of pleasure clouding his mind.

Eiji was staring up at the ceiling above like he might not live to see tomorrow, the anticipation and the pleasure Ash gave him as he thoroughly taught his body his love nearly driving him insane. It burned his insides to say it like this, but it was honestly no wonder so many had succumbed to and lusted after him - he was insanely talented.

Not that Eiji had anyone else to use as a reference, but… Ash was certainly better at this than him.

“Y-Yes, _ha, ha…!”_ Eiji twisted his hips impatiently. _“Onegai, Ashuu!”_

The American smirked into the crook of the knee he held in his right hand, in the process of setting it over his shoulder. A light chuckle escaped him. “I have no idea what that ‘oh-ney-guy’ means, but ok.”

Eiji sent him a halfhearted glare from the bed, and looked as though he might reach up and smack him somewhere, but Ash cut him off by gently pushing into warmth beneath him.

“Ah!”

Ash paused, concern pulling his smooth movements to a stop despite how desperately he wanted to sink into Eiji’s tight, wet warmth. He panted lightly, arms straining and holding him up above Eiji’s vulnerable form, waiting. He could see in his lover’s face that he needed to go slow and allow time for adjustment (Eiji’s unguarded face was always such an open book). When Eiji gave him a nod and a reassuring squeeze to his left hand, Ash sunk in deeper, his moans falling into a blissful harmony with Eiji’s. The pair of them struggled to breathe through the pleasure and slight pain shooting up their bodies and overwhelming their systems. Ash gripped Eiji’s hand tighter, as if it were the only thing left keeping him grounded to this world.

Then, he was moving. Pumping in and out, carefully and softly, yet sure. With each stroke, Eiji let cute little ah’s out of his mouth, as if whimpering pitifully at the pleasure burning him up from within. Ash breathed deeply, savoring the lewd expression on Eiji’s face and the way his body quivered for him. The tingling numbness he was familiar with began to seep into his bloodstream like a sweet, smooth poison. He wondered, as he quickened his pace a bit, if he had ever felt like this before - like he was giving up his body, mind, and soul to the beautiful person below him. Even with the fog of pleasure settling over his brain, his thoughts were sharp and quick and incomplete. Random. That was why he momentarily flash-backed to that girl he liked, back when he was still 14, and wondered if what he felt with Eiji was anything like what he felt back then.

It wasn’t.

“Ahhhh,” Eiji groaned softly, far away and falling deeper and deeper into the mattress, as though it could swallow him whole.

Ash let his thoughts go at that, and decided he wanted to fall deeper and deeper into Eiji too.

* * *

By now, their minds were long gone. They could only helplessly chase the pleasure blindly, hands wandering and clutching, groans growing louder and louder, the both of them falling higher and higher. Ash marveled at how free he felt in Eiji’s embrace, loving how those strong arms wrapped around his shoulder and neck tightly, bringing him ever closer. But the higher he climbed, the closer he got to the cliff’s edge, the more doubt crept into his heart.

Was this really okay?

Could he have this?

_Can I let myself get close to you? You mean the most to me, Eiji, but can I…?_ And as soon as the thought came, he knew the answer. Resignation, certain as fact and hope-crushing, poured into his heart like a five-gallon bucket being emptied of dirty water. He couldn’t. There was no way. He’d been hurt before, and hurting Eiji by dragging him into this was just something he didn’t have the strength to do. If they were _too_ close, what would he do when Eiji finally came to his senses and left him in the dirt to rot, like he should be doing now?

He didn’t deserve this happiness. It was sad, but it was true.

_“Asshu…”_

The blond opened his eyes and looked down at Eiji in surprise, realizing he had been caught. Eiji ran a thumb over their joined hands, and Ash spared it a wide-eyed glance before looking back to into Eiji’s eyes.

_“Aishiteiru.”_

Eiji’s gaze was sure - confident - and lovingly warm. Even though Ash didn’t understand the words, he had a feeling he knew exactly what was said. His negative thoughts, the doubt and fear and vulnerability, were accepted. They shattered like glass on the floor, their shards sparkling and scattering. Perhaps they would never be gone for sure, but he could accept them. Because Eiji accepted them.

He let out a breathy chuckle as his hips continued to snap back into Eiji like an elastic band. “What does that mean?” He asked weakly, feeling tears well up and his throat prickle.

Eiji smiled knowingly, and it threw Ash for a loop just how open and unguarded his face was, _so unlike_ what he was used to.

“I love you.” He breathed, smiling tenderly.

The tears spilled over his lashes.

And together, they fell over the cliff’s edge.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I lowkey quoted Sam Smith's "Too Good at Goodbyes" for the last bit because I was listening to it while writing this. I think that Ash will always have a little fear in his heart, no matter how "healed" he becomes.
> 
> Thanks for reading. Please leave me a comment. ;)
> 
> ~Nika.


	4. Don't Look

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not every moment they have together is a good one.

* * *

**Chapter Four: Don’t Look**

* * *

******Normal POV**

The endless _shhhaaa_ of the shower running, and the way the little droplets rain down upon the crown of his head, relaxes and unwinds him. He sighs blissfully as the heat sinks into his tired muscles. For a moment, he shuts the world out of this little bathroom and simply feels the water running in thin streams over his skin, rejuvenating him. He goes slow. The white noise of the shower lets him do a lot of thinking, most of the time, and it’s in here that he comes up with his best ideas and worst revelations.

Maybe that’s why tonight hurts.

In attempt to loosen up from the long, stressful day, he let his thoughts turn to Eiji a while ago. Eiji, who cares for and supports him every single day, 365 days a year. Eiji, who does his best to be understanding, even though he messes up sometimes. Eiji, who loves him.

He loves him.

 _No way._ He thinks. _Lies. Unrealistic. False._ He vaguely feels his own facial expression shut down at the thought. _But Eiji would never lie to me…_ A voice, in the back of his mind, says. Memories of pure, loving hands brushing over his skin, of sweet kisses being pressed into his forehead, of eyes filled with stars, flood his entire being. It's as if his body remembers the love he’s received and been taught, even when his mind doesn't.

He lets a hand trail down his stomach, lower and lower, ghosting and following the trails Eiji had already tracked for him many times. Then his mind is filled with flashbacks of Eiji. Smiling in the sunlight, speaking softly in their yellow-lit bedroom, promising him forever, flying over a high brick wall. His skin, his face, his eyes, his hands. Ash’s own hand wraps around his sensitive member and pumps gently, slowly, letting his body remind him of what he's forgotten. Soon enough the pitter-patter rhythm of the shower water is punctuated by the bass of his low, frantic breaths.

It isn't the first time he’s done this. Not even sexual abuse stops him from feeling desire. In fact, if he doesn't think too much, he finds that this is the safest outlet for him. No one has to know what he’s done. He doesn't have to remember anyone else’s touch but his own. No one is going to hurt him here, in his own apartment’s little box shower with the frosted glass door. But it's the first time he’s done this while purposely recalling the touch of another. It’s strange. Somehow, it feels like he has more... inspiration. If he keeps this up for much longer then he might really cum, even though he’s struggled to do it on his own.

But when his mind wanders to Eiji in different scenarios, different positions, different moans… he stops. Something cold washes down the center of his chest, like he's swallowed frozen water and can feel the way his esophagus recoils at the sudden attack. He shuts the water off and leans his forehead against the tiles of the shower wall.

Suddenly, he wants very badly to run away.

* * *

Eiji gently runs a thumb up his phone screen. He’s scrolling through social media one last time before he turns in for the night, standing only in his boxers in front of his nightstand. His pajamas are waiting for him on the bed to his left. He vaguely notes that Ash has finished his shower by the sound of the bathroom door clicking open to the right, as well as the sound of footsteps on carpet.

“Hey, Ash, come and look at the latest photo by that one photographer I told you ab-out?” The end of the sentence goes up into a question. He looks down at the hand on his right hip, confused. Ash is standing behind him. “What’s wrong?” He asks, and he’s about to turn around, but stalls in place when he feels a round shape, hard, press against the skin just under the small of his back.

 _Ash is too tall for this,_ is the only thought his brain can come up with. It completely short-circuits when he feels Ash’s breath on his back, and then a nose trails along the line of his shoulder, running up his neck.

Eiji shivers.

He lets himself relax, sensing that Ash is desperate in some way, and that calmness from himself would keep it from getting even more aggravated. Eiji knows his silence, and his compliance, are what are needed most now.

And so Ash guides him. He lets those slender, strong hands glide down his arms and eclipse his own. Lets himself be pulled willingly.

He finds himself on his hands and knees on the bed, stripped of his boxers. Eiji bites his lip, unsure if he should use his safe word and make sure everything is okay, but he feels like they’re on the brink of some wild breakthrough. Like they’re standing at a crossroads, and if he stops Ash from guiding them one way _now,_ then things will never be the same.

 _Ash_ will never be the same.

So he lets it go, promising himself to stop this if real alarms start going off in his head, but right now… he’s not afraid. He’s not afraid when he feels the slickness of lube at his entrance, and he’s not afraid when Ash begins to prep him.

Little groans and breaths start to tumble out of his mouth, and he bites his lip, unsure if he’s supposed to be quiet in this sense as well. He yelps when a slick, warm tongue swirls around and pokes inside him. _So much for that idea…_ He thinks.

Maybe he really should stop this. Ash hasn't said a single word this entire time, after all. But the hands on his hips and thighs are gentle and the tongue inside of him isn't invasive. He wonders if this is really alright… if maybe this isn't the healthy way to do this.

He wants to crane his neck back and ask.

Ash finishes with his tongue and begins to pump him gently with a finger instead. His other hand rests reassuringly over the roundness of Eiji’s ass. The elder can't help but let moan after moan escape his throat, and he buries his face deeper into the mattress, clutching and fisting the sheets. Then there’s two fingers and a hand pumping his straining member, and the pleasure masks the slight burning of the stretching in his entrance. Eiji loses himself in the mattress.

It’s when Ash pulls away to roll on a condom and then nudges at his entrance that Eiji feels it's the right time to talk again. He turns his head.

“Ash, are you-”

“Don’t look.”

Eiji freezes, his head turned to the side, facing the foot of the bed. He stares at the blank bedroom wall beyond it.

Ash’s voice is low. Barely above a whisper. But it sounds so serious, so gone, too.

Eiji doesn't understand. He wants to look into Ash’s eyes and figure out what's wrong like he usually does. He wants to find clues as to what he's supposed to do in those shining jades.

Ash pushes into him slowly.

Eiji swallows hard and tightens around the foreign intrusion. He does his best to breathe, deeply and fully, trying to adjust. He knows Ash is still aware it's Eiji he’s with, knows that Ash hasn't dissociated, because Ash waits patiently for him to get used to their connection, and has treated him carefully this entire time. _That_ is what really keeps him from pulling away and putting a stop to everything.

When Ash sees that he's relaxed into the mattress, a slow rhythm begins. In and out… in and out. Eiji nearly loses his mind. It's like he can feel every single part of Ash rubbing his insides at every single moment, rather than a fast slip in and out that he can barely register.

It’s a sweet agony he’s never tasted before.

He’s moaning and writhing desperately, searching anywhere along the mattress sheets for purchase. Ash’s flat hand in that spot where his butt meets his lower back burns against his skin. He can barely hear Ash’s panting and quiet groans over his own rapid breathing. He feels high, lightheaded.

And then they both crash to the ground.

Ash slumps against him with a sigh and Eiji falls flat into the mattress, limbs weak. This particular orgasm had rocked his skull, and he could still feel it prickling behind his eyeballs. He wants to turn around and gather Ash into his arms, but Ash is lying on top of him and keeping him pinned to the bed.

“Don’t look at me.” He says, sensing Eiji’s intentions.

And this time, Eiji knows he’s crying.

* * *

He comes to a decision.

“I don't want to do it like that anymore.” He whispers. Ash is sitting at the edge of his side of the bed, back turned to Eiji. He goes on when he sees Ash’s head droop in acknowledgment. “I have to see you.” He explains. “I have to know if you're okay and if we need to stop.” It’s not that he doesn't like the new position, he just needs to be allowed to look back at Ash and make sure everything is alright.

Ash nods. “Okay.” He whispers weakly.

And some time passes before they speak again. Eiji cleaned everything up after Ash found a seat at the edge of the bed earlier, and had put his boxers back on. He was lying on his side of the bed now, under the cool sheets. The sound of their breathing and the air-conditioning whirring quietly and the far-away traffic down below them are the only sounds in the room until Eiji speaks.

“Ash… tell me what happened.”

Nothing comes for too long of a moment, and he opens his mouth to ask again when Ash cuts him off with, “I masturbated to you in the shower today.”

Eiji blinks.

Then blinks again.

“O-Oh…” His mind is running wild with the information, and he struggles to control the heat in his quickly reddening cheeks. He clears his throat, then tries again. “Okay.”

“...That’s it?”

Eiji blushes harder. “W-Well, it’s not like I haven't done similar things…” He admits quietly, his voice small. Immediately afterwards he feels like opening their bedroom window, screaming for a bit, and then closing it again and pretending this _never_ happened.

“No, Eiji, I mean - I’m _flattered”_ He blushes even deeper, if that's possible. “but… you’re not angry?”

The redness dies abruptly, as if someone had just shined a pink light in his face this entire time and then clicked it off. All he can feel now is confusion. “Huh?” He lets out. “W-Why would I be _angry?”_ He says the world like it's the least farthest thing from the truth, and it is. “ _You_ are the one who should be angry with _me.”_ He says.

Ash finally turns around. “What?” He demands. “Why?!”

Eiji blinks, taken aback slightly. “Because I thought about you like _that_ even though you’ve been hurt so many times?” He says, and it almost comes out as a suggestion. _I always felt guilty after too…_ he doesn't say, knowing it will only rile up Ash further.

Ash stares at him, seemingly grappling for his next words, and Eiji notes that his tears haven't stopped once this entire time. _Ash only cries like this after sex if he’s overwhelmed._

“Idiot!”

Eiji blinks incredulously. “Pardon?”

“You--!” Ash sighs heavily, and whatever intense emotions he had been feeling up until then deflate. All but one. “I thought you would hate me.” He mutters. Then, seeing the question in Eiji’s face, he says, “Because in my head I was doing the same things to you that _they_ did to me.”

Understanding begins to creep into Eiji’s mind, as if a fog is beginning to clear. “...Why didn’t you let me look at you?” He whispers, afraid of the answer.

“Because I’ve turned into a monster. Just like them.” He says strongly. To Ash, it's the truth. Fact. “I’ve become so ugly, Eiji.” Then, visibly falling into the black abyss within his mind again, he whispers brokenly, _“Don’t look at me.”_

And Eiji knows he’s scared.

“You’re not a monster.” Eiji speaks up, cutting through the previous quiet tone. His voice is strong, sure, and confident. “Ash Lynx, you are _not_ a monster for having normal human desires.”

Ash blinks up at him, weary and doubtful.

“You are not the same as those… those _people.”_ He spits out. “They hurt you. All the time. They only wanted to feel good by themselves.” Eiji’s eyes are burning flames, and Ash can’t look away. “You did not hurt me, Ash. You would _never_ hurt me like that.”

Eiji opens his arms and Ash comes. He feels him wrap around his torso and bury his head into his stomach. “Eiji…!” Comes the broken, wobbly cry. “You know I’m not afraid of _jack shit_ but... I’m _scared.”_ He sobs into the embrace.

Eiji feels his throat tighten and his eyes prickle. He stares hard at the space in front of him.

“What if I become one of _them?_ What if I really do become a monster? Eiji, what if I-”

_“Stop.”_

Quiet.

His voice is thick with emotion. “Ash, you won’t. You won’t, okay? I believe in you. I trust you.” He tightens his hold on Ash and whispers, “I love you no matter _what_ you become.”

Ash sniffles.

He hates being vulnerable like this.

He hates that Eiji makes him an honest man. Makes him _want_ to be better, even though Eiji never asked that of him. If they hadn’t met at all, he would have given up a long time ago. If they hadn’t met…

He’d probably be dead. He can't imagine his life without Eiji in it anymore.

And so the next words that tumble from his lips are free, but tainted in tears and broken breaths.

“Me too.” He whispers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, in love and in sex, you make mistakes.


End file.
